There’s a degree of difficult in dealing with me.
From my haunted passed, comes a daunting task, of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and just forget it all.
I am going into my third and final year of university at Aberystwyth, studying Ba Human Geography.
I have always wanted to go to university and never for a second thought of doing anything else. I suffer from anxiety quite badly and have done for years, however the sheer excitement of going to uni enabled me to controll my fears.
My first year was fantastic, I loved every second and it was everything that I dreamt it would be.
My second year however, I despised. Longside anxiety, for years I have suffered on and off with feeling extremely down and low in mood. Following some horrificly traumatic family issues that were very life changing the months before going into my second year, I found that within a few weeks of being back in Aberystwyth that I hated being there. Despite living in a house with all my friends, I felt alone, and I wanted to be left alone. I thought it was just another down spell, until it never went away. Most days I could hardly handle the thought of leaving my room. And after breaking down to my parents (who are both psychiatric nurses) over the phone and seeing a doctor, I could no longer deny that I was depressed. Stress from household dramas, work load stress and the ever clouding memories of my summer, had me by the throat, and indeed I was suffocating.
I debated leaving university, and to this day still am. The enjoyment was sucked out and remained hollow for me.
With the beginning of my third and final year close on the horizon, I am very stuck. One part of me thinks, I’ve come so far and put myself through hell and back, I may as well not give up and get this degree that I want oh so much. While the other part of me thinks, I hate being there, the thought of going back has brought on anxiety attacks with a screaming vengeance, and the thought of completing a dissertation makes me feel physically sick.
I am undoubtedly stuck.
On top of this, despite not being the kind of person who regrets anything, I do regret the way I went about university.
My plan was always to have a gap year before hand, work and travel, as is my passion. Then in my second year to do a foreign exchange.
However this has not happened, and now I resent my whole university experience.
While I am aware that university is just not for some people, I am not sure if I can walk away.
Freshers reading this post, I apologize, I do not aim to put you off, but to simply give you a counter argument for how you will feel at university. Its far from just shits and giggles. Yet you will get out what you put in.
I have no answer for my own dilemma, other than I feel totally unfulfilled, not driven and totally uninspired by the whole university concept.
Any comments are welcome, and appreciated.
I’m desperately trying to find Aberystwyth freshers to talk to. Anyone studying Psychology or staying in Pentre Jane Morgan? Come chat :)
I’m a third year at Aberystwyth studying Ba Human Geography. Aber is a cool place :) PJM is lovely and my friend who is a second year is going to be living there this year.
If you have any questions, or would like me to introduce you to my friend, just let me know :)
Best of luck! x